It was such a hard move, I caught myself going back to the Twitter search bar with my @keon_alhan account searching “yuni_ryuni” oh so many times. I created that account when I was in uni I think? Can’t exactly remember now but I found my community there, Inner Circle. I still remember when I first made the account, I still call myself “Incle”. Not until I found out, Inseo didn’t really call themselves Incle haha. Only fake fan did and I am laughing as I wrote this as I remember Lee Seunghoon calling the “Incle” out. Lmao I can’t stand that man.
Note for you Muggles: Inner Circle is the name of WINNER (a Kpop group) fandom and I am a big fan of this group.
I started as a small account but somehow, along the way, as I once upon a time, so updated on WINNER schedules and I keep myself updated on WINNER university festivals appearance especially, I garnered more than 1000 followers. It was fascinating to be honest but not all of the followers are actively interacting with me anyway so there’s that. But yeah, I am still amazed that I’ve put that much effort in keeping up to date with anything and everything WINNER. And because my mutuals didn’t really know me personally, like really at personal level kind kenal, I find it easy to rants raw and candid thoughts there as well because even if they judged me, they don’t really know me got it? And I became more and more attached to that account to the point that I keep scrolling. Fast forward a few years after creating that account, WINNER is now under hiatus because the maknae line are currently enlisting. Kpop jargon everywhere in this post haha.
And I, 2 weeks back, deactivated that account on a whim.
Except it is not actually on a whim, like really on a whim split second kinda thought kind. I have thought about deactivating it for many times. Mainly because fangirling life does not align with the direction that I’m heading to; back to Him. And the Twitter account is the main doorway to my WINNER (and kpop in general) obsession. Don't get me wrong, I still listen to Kpop music but being in a fandom is a whole different case. It takes commitment (yes it sounds totally macam over kan? But really fangirling is a commitment of some sort). For me to take more important commitment, I need to sacrifice this one because it is taking way too much of my time and most importantly attention. I keep scrolling through the account to search for news. At one point, I realised that this has become a habit. A habit with obsession traits.
I ponder back and forth on the idea of deactivating it. And one day, I just did it. Snap, just like that. With a few touches on the phone screen, I said goodbye to a part of life that has given me joy over the years (and the stress of fanwar hahaha and hiatus HAHAHAHAHA). Was it easy? Nope, but I know this is needed for me to move on, on my steps to become a better Muslim, insyaAllah.
After I deactivated the account, I asked for Allah's help to hold me steadfast on this road. Sebab sesungguhnya it's not easy… it has become a part of me tau, even if it's not good I know but that was an obsession at one point of my life. But bila difikir, ditimbang-tara, dimusabahkan, I came to realization again, yang not all of the thing that we like or love or adore is good for us. Kita kena rasa the pahit to find the sweetness of submitting and relying to Him and Him only so this was the step that I need to take to reach just that. Walaupun ada la catch dia sebab I didn't deactivate my local Twitter account so I am pretty much still around the tl and many of my friends also minat the same thing so bumpy roaddd. Hahaha. But still, step 1 of deactivating stan Twitter account done.
There's one time when I was really tempted to reactivate the account to the point that the thought pop out when I was doing my solah, astaghfirullahalazim. And after I finish my solah, I really prayed hard again so that Allah keep me steadfast, so that He hold my heart. After the doa, I read the Quran and it was time for me to choose one random ayah for tadabbur… and the ayah… is al-Hijr, verse 65.
“Maka pergilah kamu di akhir malam dengan membawa keluargamu, dan ikutilah mereka dari belakang dan janganlah seorangpun di antara kamu menoleh kebelakang dan teruskanlah perjalanan ke tempat yang diperintahkan kepadamu”
I feel like He answered me, He heard me calling for him. I shouldn't look back on my decision, I shouldn't look back to that obsession, I should remove whatever attachment I have and go to Him. And not look back. Run to Him, on His path, on the way to ultimate dream, His paradise. It has been rocky so far, it is not easy but may Allah ease the journey of all of us who are seeking for Him. Amin.
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