"What would you do if you are not afraid?"

I came across this question while reading a book “What would you do if you are not afraid?”. And it instantly made me think, really introspective thoughts. It was almost a deep dive into my deepest desire, my wildest dreams (Well, not so wild, but wild in a sense that it is so bewildering to think because my drawback to achieve all that I ever wanted has always been my laziness and my lack of consistency. And these two stemmed from the most important, my fear of commitment and new things). I guess, it is time for me to lay this all down into writings so that it will become my commitment that I put out there for not only me to see. Not sure if there’s anyone reading this to be honest but if you did, leave a comment and hold me accountable for my dreams please!

So what would I do if I am not afraid?

If I am not afraid, I will quit my current job and find a remote job that will give me more flexibility and go for that 3 month trip that I have always dreamt of.

I still remember when I was in my first company where the employees were really given the autonomy over their own career choices, I planned to take a 3 months unpaid leave after completion of my MT program. I even hinted to my superior at that time and she was totally cool with the idea. But yeah, Covid happened and the company closed down so the idea has long gone being shoved to the backburner. But has it left my mind? Absolute-fcking-not. Although I do have to wait for this, I want to pay off my debt first and work another 1 year after to save money for the trip. By rough calculation, I can achieve this when I reach 34. So the trip will be when I am 35! I might be unable to do this on a whim but I want to ensure that I am taking the little steps that lead to it. 

Steps include; monthly savings for travel funds, paying off car and education loan in 3 years (so I’ll have to pay double the scheduled payment for education loan starting next year). 

And to quench my thirst for travel before I go for this 3 month trip in 2029, I will travel to 1 - 2 destinations a year. 2024 Vietnam, Bali, 2025 Sri Lanka, 2026 Umrah, Kazakhstan, 2027 Inner Mongolia, 2028 Zaragoza. Hopefully, this will come true, amin! Destinations can be different but at least 1 trip per year, amin!

If  I am not afraid, I will realize the dream of being a writer. 

I will write on my blog consistently, updating at least 2 posts per month. It has been a long time since this blog served a dust collector. To say that I am ashamed will be an exaggeration, especially because Blogger has pretty much gone out of style. But I do feel like it’s such a shame that I stopped writing altogether. The easiest place to write was a blog since my postings aren’t even serious stuff… like btch, pull yourself together and write! So I made it a point for me to start writing on blog again and make at least 2 posts per month (I want to do 2 per week but boy I will definitely fail that one so cancel and 2 per month it is). Until when will this last? Until I am done sending my novel draft to the publisher. How is it related? I don’t know but I just think that I won’t actually be able to commit to so many writing assignments at one time. 

I will publish that story on Wattpad that I have in my draft and then start to consistently write to update it. This is supposed to be a secret so come here, I’ll whisper to you “I have a Wattpad account and I have 1 story on it that I have already written 6 chapters but it stays in my draft. Shhh. Remember this is a secret”. So yeah, this for me is quite a big step because putting my story out there is scary. And I don’t know whether I’ll actually get people reading it and if they did, will they even like it? But anyway, I think it is time and I need to get over this and publish whatever I have in hand so that I can actually keep working on it. The longer it stays in my draft, the longer that the story will get nowhere. 

I will continue to write (Back)Space, Nobody Like(s) You, and Aku Tak Biasa and send it to book publishers. I can’t get into details for this one truly because if I get into details, it will mean I have to spill stories. So nope nope. Anyway, I have 3 books of which I have ideas and I even already have an outline for one of  them but somehow whenever I have a block, I just close it and stash it away instead of keep trying to write. So, in these 10 years of my 30s, I am to complete these 3 stories. 

If I am not afraid, I will enroll in GiatMara hairdressing class, be a hairdresser and

open "Your Neighborhood Salon"

Back to dream 1; quitting my current job and going for a 3 month trip. This is what I want to do next when I come back from the trip. I have been cutting my own hair since I was 12. Over the years, I’ve been honing my skill, wahh begitu hyperbola. But really tho, I can definitely cut ‘em hairs. So I’ve been wanting to learn hairdressing for quite some time. So my plan after I quit my current line of work, I want to become a hairdresser. After learning, I want to open a mini salon (at home kinda salon). Rather than a big, serious one, I want to be the neighbourhood hairdresser. But for Muslimah. You know how guys always go to their favourite barber for their cut? I want to be just that for my neighbourhood ladies. 

If I am not afraid, I will learn pole dancing

Now, this is wild. Blame it on the variety show that I watch where one of the cast has a pole in her own house for her pole dancing routine. And I’m like I WANT THAT TOO! It’s not like I want to do it outside ke apa but I want to have a pole in my room and be able to do pole dancing when I want. I can’t really do this right now because I am staying in room rental so yeah… cannot. But to even get there, I need to work on my core and hand strength. So, steps that I have to take now is to do daily exercise to build my core and hand strength. And if I still cannot find ways to install the pole in my own room, I guess I’ll find a dancing studio that has it after I sort out my core and hand strength part! Second, I need to learn how to use my body and move to beats so let’s learn normal-on-the-floor dancing first. 

If I am not afraid, I will take that leap of faith and get married

But first, where’s the calon? Lol. Okay kidding.

The core of this is way too deep and to get into details is hard but the keyword is motae solo and fear of commitments. I have been single for as long as I have lived and I love the freedom that comes with it. I don’t have to worry about what and how another person might think or feel about whatever I do. Is there loneliness? I would be lying if I say I have never felt it, especially when I see my friends with their partners but I have found the art of finding solitude in being alone. When I think of suddenly having to let another person “in”, I dread it. So much. And when I think about having to consider someone else whenever I’m making any decision, oh boy, I hate it. Don’t get me started on the commitment part… When I think about the commitment that I have to put on putting together a family and building a home around it… You know what, count me out. And being a forever solo girl, I have long realised that I am not an attractive person, beauty part memang sah-sah out. So this is another reason why I never really get into a relationship. All in all, dah la nak cari calon susah, memikirkan perkahwinan tu sendiri nak maintain tu payah, aku resigned to the fact that, let’s not do this. But to the core of it, it’s all fear… fear of commitment and relationship. Also fearing vulnerability. So for this one, let me think about it. It’s not a dream that I want to achieve for now, but rather to KIV. Haha. 

Andddddd I’m done with this post! Pray for me if you’re reading this! May all Khairunnisa’s dream comes true!