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Monday, February 26, 2024

Keon Listen to: Podcasts for Woman

This year, one of my resolutions is to reduce my hours listening to music and increase both listening hours to Quranic recitation, Dhikr & Salawat and podcasts with good content. I have been listening to many podcasts and I wanted to document some of those that I love. For below list, mainly for the ladies.

The Aida Azlin Show


Unswtnd + Unfltrd


Voice Hug


The Sumi Show


Head Over Heels


Girls That Invest

Sunday, February 18, 2024

My Eyes Turned Green

I recently listened to these podcast episodes. In the #50 Jealousy episode, they touched mostly on jealousy in different forms of relationships and in the #42 FOMO episode, they talk about FOMO stemming from social media. While the theme of these two episodes is different, they touched on jealousy, envy. 
My favorite part of both has to be when the hosts contemplate where their jealousy comes from because when they talked about that, it made me investigate where mine is coming from. While they were discussing this, they discussed a few factors.
         
Jealousy that come from ingratitude
There’s jealousy or worse, envy that comes from our own ingratitude. When we failed to be grateful to Allah for all the blessings that He has bestowed upon us. And that’s why when we see what He has given to others, the envy comes. If there’s a cure that I can think of is to do a lot of tasbih and tahmid. Say Subhanallah, say Alhamdulillah. And we also need to realize that Allah’s ‘package’ for everyone of His servants is different and every ‘item’ in the ‘package’  is for what’s best for us. We need to have a thankful heart that is always saying tahmid to him for all of the bounty that He has provided us with. I felt this creeping up way too much when I scrolled through Instagram, I felt jealous seeing other people's lives that look good in my life especially when they got something that I wished for. But I forgot that Allah has given me so much improvement in mine compared to previously and I failed to be grateful for His present for me. Ya Allah forgive my ingratitude. It is a bit drastic, but I end up uninstalling Instagram altogether because of this (also it’s because I mindlessly scroll way too much so I need to cut my social  media time). Alhamdulillah, it has made my heart more at peace and more focused on the goodness of my own life that He has given to me. 

Jealousy that come from arrogance, superiority, entitlement

You know when we feel like we are better than someone but they got better things? And they are happier? That’s when our heart is really ‘sick’. Arrogance is the sickness of the heart that is dangerous because with it, we will not enter Jannah. 


وعن عبد الله بن مسعود رضي الله عنه عن النبى صلى الله عليه وسلم قال‏: ‏ “لا يدخل الجنة من كان في قلبه مثقال ذرة من كبر” فقال رجل” إن الرجل يحب أن يكون ثوبه حسناً ونعله حسناً‏؟‏ قال‏: ‏ “إن الله جميل يحب الجمال الكبر بطر الحق وغمط الناس” ‏(‏‏(‏رواه مسلم‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏


'Abdullah bin Mas'ud (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "He who has, in his heart, an ant's weight of arrogance will not enter Jannah." Someone said: "A man likes to wear beautiful clothes and shoes?" Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Allah is Beautiful, He loves beauty. Arrogance means ridiculing and rejecting the Truth and despising people." [Muslim].


Riyad as-Salihin 611

https://sunnah.com/riyadussalihin:611

Honestly, I am so afraid of this. I don't know how did I let my heart to grow sick from this but whenever I realize this sickness is in me, I can only turn to Him and seek for His forgiveness and for Him to remove ANY of this wretched feeling in my heart. I am no better than anyone else, I sinned a lot and without Allah veiling it, I'll be looking and smelling rotten from it. And I also realized that, when we have arrogance, we will have this sense of entitlement that when we see what other people achieve, we get the sense of "Eh hey, I deserved that too" when you don't really know what the the other people had to go through to be where they are now. For this one, I seek refuge with Allah from the arrogance of my own filthy heart, ya Allah, please remove this sickness from my heart. 


Jealousy that come from low self esteem

I also realized that feeling jealous also come from low self esteem. We saw people achieving great feat and we stayed at where we are and we started feeling jealous because we don't own up our own life. Again, it's because we didn't feel grateful with we have and we felt that we are 'small' because we don't get those shiny, extravagant, lively life that people are living. It's really important that we learn to appreciate our own self and how far we have become instead of putting ourselves down comparing our lives with others and end up feeling jealous. We are where we are for reason and we must make the best of it. And we also need to realize that on social media, we only see good things. Very rarely people showcase their weaknesses, their Achilles heel, their vulnerability for people to see (and for good reason as well, because if you want to show that, show it to the Almighty because he is al Jabbar). We see good things and our knowledge is limited on that and Allah know what they have went through and what effort they have put it to get what they get.

To summarize this, to not be jealous of others, you really need to be grateful with what you have and realize that you are already given to you what is good for you. And this is where I will end this reflection from pondering about jealousy after listening to these two episode.


Friday, January 26, 2024

Why Am I Excited to Finally Turn 30

First decade of my life, I have the best years of getting scars over failing off the bike cause I was riding it a tad bit too fast. Got my knee scraped over falling while running, playing catch with friends. Played in the rain countless times and sometimes got a fever from it. Make my own roundest bat from random wood that we found, make my own kite from old newspaper and fly them high up the sky (and get mom angry sometimes because her thread has gone MIA). Used my body to the max to play; badminton, roundest, galah panjang, zero point, lubang tikus, cop tiang and many others. Sang my heart out in the playground, competing to see who sounded the best. On a slow day, we played paper planes, osom, enjet-enjet semut, batu seremban, tutup tin and 5 perkataan. Wow, the list is really endless and I spent so much time outside. We will only come back to the house when it’s getting dark or until Mak be like “BALIKKKK”. My favorite memories from childhood gotta be when my dad and I sneak out for errands. Because I was the only child at that time that could converse a bit in English, whenever my dad wanted to bring me out alone, he would whisper-talk to me in English haha. My parents also brings us to the waterfalls/streams a lot when it’s not the rainy season. We would be like “Abah nak pergi Salu” and if he was not working, he would make time to bring us to play. In short, I have the best childhood one can ever ask for. Alhamdulillah. 


The second decade, the adolescence, the entahlah period. I have always been the child who kept things from her parents. There’s one time when I scraped my knees from falling down. And it actually got infected to the point the pus is actually covering my knee cap. I can’t even bend my leg from it, but I did not say a word to my parents until they actually noticed that I was walking funny and brought me to the clinic and I still have a scar from this. Well, this became worse in my adolescence. I was in the boarding school so you can imagine how little I talk to my parents. Aku bukanlah jenis budak yang akan bergayut dekat public phone tu everyday. Entahlah now that I try to remember what I actually did in those year at Igop, I’ll be like okay what?  I wouldn't say I didn't learn anything from school. Tarbiyyah aku kebanyakannya bermula daripada Igop. Cuma it didn't stick until after I left. And since I sucks at being friends, I don't really have high school friends that I can still call close friends now (it's totally me btw). So bila aku recall the years in Igop now, I always ask myself like what did I do wrong? I did great in term of grades, I had fun during schools doing some silly stuff. It is a defining moment of sealing off my character building time tho, and it sealed me off as a withdrawn and unpassionate one.


Came the third decade, my chaotic 20s haha. Which I wrote a whole blogpost for, my 20s.


And now, it’s time to cruise the 4th decade and being in the 30s. To some, turning 30 is dreadful. While for some, it is an excitement. And I am in the “Excited 30” camp. Since last year, I was already like, I CAN’T WAIT TO BE IN MY 30s! The reason are honestly nothing grand but first and foremost, insyaAllah, God’s willing, I will finish paying off my debt in 2026. Both my car and MARA eduloan. So I’ll be left with only my medical card and hibah as my monthly financial commitment. With this, I can finally carry on my plan to make a big career shift to something that is more skill based. I am now fixed on hairdressing but this might change. In any case, I don’t want to do white collar job anymore. Penat jaga orang, penat perah otak. I rather perah otak doing writing. Which brings me to my second goal to achieve in my 30s. 


I want to write. Me updating my blogs after being dormant for a long time got to do with this plan. I want to get used to write again. I want to pour my heart into words. I want to turn the scenarios in my head, my imagination and even the dreams in my sleep into paragraph after paragraph, scene after scene. I have always loved writing but I have been keeping it at bay because I sucks at time management before and I keep giving excuses, so yeah, no more of that and more of executing. I have learnt in my past decades that if I want something, I have to keep it going. 


Since I will be having significantly lower financial commitment, I can finally save more for travelling insyaAllah. For this, I am planning to move back to Ipoh after I finish paying off my debts so that I don’t have to spend money to pay rent anymore.(Let’s stay with the parents haha). InsyaAlah, it will be a way for me to be closer to my parents and help them when needed as well, may I become a child that has the patience to deal with my ageing parents. So the plan is travel and parents. GAHHHHH I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!


And the most important focus in my 30s is finding peace and accepting who I am as a person and striving to improve myself as a Muslim. I definitely goof around a lot in my 20s and it is time for me to now turn back to Him, running to Allah and seeking His blessing. I want to fall in love with Rasulullah, I want to submit to Allah and be steadfast on His path. I want to read the Quran, do tadabbur and understand the tafseer. And so I have a lot of lessons to listen to, a lot of readings to do. And I want to use my 30s focusing on these instead of using my time to watch entertainment. I won’t be able to cut it off fully but I want to use significant 80% of my time to ‘reach’ Him and let it be 20% of time for the duniawi stuff. I want to taste the halawatul iman and I have to strive for it and from what I have learnt in the past 3 decades, in this 4th, insyaAllah I wil use all of the lesson, be it good or bad, to be better in this 4th. I want to be 30 and close to Him. I want to be 30 and finally be free. Free of fear of judgement, free of FOMO, free of anything that’s been holding me off to be freer and better. 


I might not know everything about life, but I know better than before and I hope with all the knowledge, life lessons and experiences I’ve gained, this decade, my 30s will be the best time of life, yet. If my 20s is all about me searching for fun and finding a footing in adulthood, insyaAllah in this 30s, I will use my time to be myself. Ease for me ya Allah, allow me to be the best of me. 


Wednesday, January 17, 2024

Deactivating My Another Life, @yuni_ryuni

While I still have “local” Twitter account, I have recently deactivated my fangirling account. RIP @yuni_ryuni, a moment of silence please. Jk. 

It was such a hard move, I caught myself going back to the Twitter search bar with my @keon_alhan account searching “yuni_ryuni” oh so many times. I created that account when I was in uni I think? Can’t exactly remember now but I found my community there, Inner Circle. I still remember when I first made the account, I still call myself “Incle”. Not until I found out, Inseo didn’t really call themselves Incle haha. Only fake fan did and I am laughing as I wrote this as I remember Lee Seunghoon calling the “Incle” out. Lmao I can’t stand that man. 
Note for you Muggles: Inner Circle is the name of WINNER (a Kpop group) fandom and I am a big fan of this group.

I started as a small account but somehow, along the way, as I once upon a time, so updated on WINNER schedules and I keep myself updated on WINNER university festivals appearance especially, I garnered more than 1000 followers. It was fascinating to be honest but not all of the followers are actively interacting with me anyway so there’s that. But yeah, I am still amazed that I’ve put that much effort in keeping up to date with anything and everything WINNER. And because my mutuals didn’t really know me personally, like really at personal level kind kenal, I find it easy to rants raw and candid thoughts there as well because even if they judged me, they don’t really know me got it? And I became more and more attached to that account to the point that I keep scrolling. Fast forward a few years after creating that account, WINNER is now under hiatus because the maknae line are currently enlisting. Kpop jargon everywhere in this post haha. 

And I, 2 weeks back, deactivated that account on a whim. 

Except it is not actually on a whim, like really on a whim split second kinda thought kind. I have thought about deactivating it for many times. Mainly because fangirling life does not align with the direction that I’m heading to; back to Him. And the Twitter account is the main doorway to my WINNER (and kpop in general) obsession. Don't get me wrong, I still listen to Kpop music but being in a fandom is a whole different case. It takes commitment (yes it sounds totally macam over kan? But really fangirling is a commitment of some sort). For me to take more important commitment, I need to sacrifice this one because it is taking way too much of my time and most importantly attention. I keep scrolling through the account to search for news. At one point, I realised that this has become a habit. A habit with obsession traits. 

I ponder back and forth on the idea of deactivating it. And one day, I just did it. Snap, just like that. With a few touches on the phone screen, I said goodbye to a part of life that has given me joy over the years (and the stress of fanwar hahaha and hiatus HAHAHAHAHA). Was it easy? Nope, but I know this is needed for me to move on, on my steps to become a better Muslim, insyaAllah. 

After I deactivated the account, I asked for Allah's help to hold me steadfast on this road. Sebab sesungguhnya it's not easy… it has become a part of me tau, even if it's not good I know but that was an obsession at one point of my life. But bila difikir, ditimbang-tara, dimusabahkan, I came to realization again, yang not all of the thing that we like or love or adore is good for us. Kita kena rasa the pahit to find the sweetness of submitting and relying to Him and Him only so this was the step that I need to take to reach just that. Walaupun ada la catch dia sebab I didn't deactivate my local Twitter account so I am pretty much still around the tl and many of my friends also minat the same thing so bumpy roaddd. Hahaha. But still, step 1 of deactivating stan Twitter account done. 

There's one time when I was really tempted to reactivate the account to the point that the thought pop out when I was doing my solah, astaghfirullahalazim. And after I finish my solah, I really prayed hard again so that Allah keep me steadfast, so that He hold my heart. After the doa, I read the Quran and it was time for me to choose one random ayah for tadabbur… and the ayah… is al-Hijr, verse 65. 

“Maka pergilah kamu di akhir malam dengan membawa keluargamu, dan ikutilah mereka dari belakang dan janganlah seorangpun di antara kamu menoleh kebelakang dan teruskanlah perjalanan ke tempat yang diperintahkan kepadamu”

I feel like He answered me, He heard me calling for him. I shouldn't look back on my decision, I shouldn't look back to that obsession, I should remove whatever attachment I have and go to Him. And not look back. Run to Him, on His path, on the way to ultimate dream, His paradise. It has been rocky so far, it is not easy but may Allah ease the journey of all of us who are seeking for Him. Amin. 

Tuesday, January 16, 2024

"What would you do if you are not afraid?"

I came across this question while reading a book “What would you do if you are not afraid?”. And it instantly made me think, really introspective thoughts. It was almost a deep dive into my deepest desire, my wildest dreams (Well, not so wild, but wild in a sense that it is so bewildering to think because my drawback to achieve all that I ever wanted has always been my laziness and my lack of consistency. And these two stemmed from the most important, my fear of commitment and new things). I guess, it is time for me to lay this all down into writings so that it will become my commitment that I put out there for not only me to see. Not sure if there’s anyone reading this to be honest but if you did, leave a comment and hold me accountable for my dreams please!


So what would I do if I am not afraid?


If I am not afraid, I will quit my current job and find a remote job that will give me more flexibility and go for that 3 month trip that I have always dreamt of.

I still remember when I was in my first company where the employees were really given the autonomy over their own career choices, I planned to take a 3 months unpaid leave after completion of my MT program. I even hinted to my superior at that time and she was totally cool with the idea. But yeah, Covid happened and the company closed down so the idea has long gone being shoved to the backburner. But has it left my mind? Absolute-fcking-not. Although I do have to wait for this, I want to pay off my debt first and work another 1 year after to save money for the trip. By rough calculation, I can achieve this when I reach 34. So the trip will be when I am 35! I might be unable to do this on a whim but I want to ensure that I am taking the little steps that lead to it. 


Steps include; monthly savings for travel funds, paying off car and education loan in 3 years (so I’ll have to pay double the scheduled payment for education loan starting next year). 


And to quench my thirst for travel before I go for this 3 month trip in 2029, I will travel to 1 - 2 destinations a year. 2024 Vietnam, Bali, 2025 Sri Lanka, 2026 Umrah, Kazakhstan, 2027 Inner Mongolia, 2028 Zaragoza. Hopefully, this will come true, amin! Destinations can be different but at least 1 trip per year, amin!


If  I am not afraid, I will realize the dream of being a writer. 

I will write on my blog consistently, updating at least 2 posts per month. It has been a long time since this blog served a dust collector. To say that I am ashamed will be an exaggeration, especially because Blogger has pretty much gone out of style. But I do feel like it’s such a shame that I stopped writing altogether. The easiest place to write was a blog since my postings aren’t even serious stuff… like btch, pull yourself together and write! So I made it a point for me to start writing on blog again and make at least 2 posts per month (I want to do 2 per week but boy I will definitely fail that one so cancel and 2 per month it is). Until when will this last? Until I am done sending my novel draft to the publisher. How is it related? I don’t know but I just think that I won’t actually be able to commit to so many writing assignments at one time. 


I will publish that story on Wattpad that I have in my draft and then start to consistently write to update it. This is supposed to be a secret so come here, I’ll whisper to you “I have a Wattpad account and I have 1 story on it that I have already written 6 chapters but it stays in my draft. Shhh. Remember this is a secret”. So yeah, this for me is quite a big step because putting my story out there is scary. And I don’t know whether I’ll actually get people reading it and if they did, will they even like it? But anyway, I think it is time and I need to get over this and publish whatever I have in hand so that I can actually keep working on it. The longer it stays in my draft, the longer that the story will get nowhere. 


I will continue to write (Back)Space, Nobody Like(s) You, and Aku Tak Biasa and send it to book publishers. I can’t get into details for this one truly because if I get into details, it will mean I have to spill stories. So nope nope. Anyway, I have 3 books of which I have ideas and I even already have an outline for one of  them but somehow whenever I have a block, I just close it and stash it away instead of keep trying to write. So, in these 10 years of my 30s, I am to complete these 3 stories. 


If I am not afraid, I will enroll in GiatMara hairdressing class, be a hairdresser and

open "Your Neighborhood Salon"

Back to dream 1; quitting my current job and going for a 3 month trip. This is what I want to do next when I come back from the trip. I have been cutting my own hair since I was 12. Over the years, I’ve been honing my skill, wahh begitu hyperbola. But really tho, I can definitely cut ‘em hairs. So I’ve been wanting to learn hairdressing for quite some time. So my plan after I quit my current line of work, I want to become a hairdresser. After learning, I want to open a mini salon (at home kinda salon). Rather than a big, serious one, I want to be the neighbourhood hairdresser. But for Muslimah. You know how guys always go to their favourite barber for their cut? I want to be just that for my neighbourhood ladies. 


If I am not afraid, I will learn pole dancing

Now, this is wild. Blame it on the variety show that I watch where one of the cast has a pole in her own house for her pole dancing routine. And I’m like I WANT THAT TOO! It’s not like I want to do it outside ke apa but I want to have a pole in my room and be able to do pole dancing when I want. I can’t really do this right now because I am staying in room rental so yeah… cannot. But to even get there, I need to work on my core and hand strength. So, steps that I have to take now is to do daily exercise to build my core and hand strength. And if I still cannot find ways to install the pole in my own room, I guess I’ll find a dancing studio that has it after I sort out my core and hand strength part! Second, I need to learn how to use my body and move to beats so let’s learn normal-on-the-floor dancing first. 


If I am not afraid, I will take that leap of faith and get married

But first, where’s the calon? Lol. Okay kidding.


The core of this is way too deep and to get into details is hard but the keyword is motae solo and fear of commitments. I have been single for as long as I have lived and I love the freedom that comes with it. I don’t have to worry about what and how another person might think or feel about whatever I do. Is there loneliness? I would be lying if I say I have never felt it, especially when I see my friends with their partners but I have found the art of finding solitude in being alone. When I think of suddenly having to let another person “in”, I dread it. So much. And when I think about having to consider someone else whenever I’m making any decision, oh boy, I hate it. Don’t get me started on the commitment part… When I think about the commitment that I have to put on putting together a family and building a home around it… You know what, count me out. And being a forever solo girl, I have long realised that I am not an attractive person, beauty part memang sah-sah out. So this is another reason why I never really get into a relationship. All in all, dah la nak cari calon susah, memikirkan perkahwinan tu sendiri nak maintain tu payah, aku resigned to the fact that, let’s not do this. But to the core of it, it’s all fear… fear of commitment and relationship. Also fearing vulnerability. So for this one, let me think about it. It’s not a dream that I want to achieve for now, but rather to KIV. Haha. 


Andddddd I’m done with this post! Pray for me if you’re reading this! May all Khairunnisa’s dream comes true!