Monday, August 28, 2017

Of Dream and Reality

Masa kecik-kecik dulu I am sure that most of us ada macam-macam cita-cita besar. Dan kita fikir apa yang kita perlu buat cumalah belajar rajin-rajin supaya pandai dan dapat capai cita-cita bila dah besar. But nobody and nothing prepared us for the reality di mana unemployment kini dah macam satu epidemik yang menjangkiti youngsters walaupun tidak memilih pun kadang-kadang tu.

Reality hit me like truck. Ambition and dream seems like something so distant and almost alien to me. Aku teringat aku tengok speech Donggu dalam 2 Days 1 Night time dorang pegi Ewha University. Kalau rajin playlah video kat bawah ni. Kalau rasa nak tengoklah.



For people who are not going to watch; here is the transcript:

Title of talk: The Road Even a GPS Can't Find 

We were given the topic so suddenly, so I wondered what to lecture on.. But earlier, during the day, my mentor* was concerned about this: Whether to pursue her dreams or follow her parents' wishes; the safe route that her parents wanted. I think that this is a really difficult question. So I'd like to tell you my thoughts on it. These days, people seem to know too much. But we don't really know who we are. We don't know what we like. We don't know what makes us sad. We don't seem to know. If we were to take a test... If you were to grab a grade or high school students and ask them what their dream is and they don't know. Even if they do have a dream, if you ask why they have that dream, they can't answer you. They don't know who they are, what they're good at. They have no dreams. I was recently in the army** and I met a lot of men that are around your age there and I found that they had the same problem. "How should I live my life?". I want to ask you the same question. Let's say you are given only one day and you must be happy on that day.. I know the question sound silly. Do you actually have something you could so, if you had to be happy? It's like that in the army (chuckles). You only have one day off, and you have to relieve all the stress in one day. You want to eat good food and do all this. But you have to be good to your parents too. So much to do. But what would really make me happy? I couldn't find the answer. No matter how much you read and no matter how much you think, I couldn't work out who I really was. Given that I have yet to reach my success... It's easy to reach your destination on the highway, you can reach your destination quickly. But, if you make a detour, you'll see the beautiful scenery you never noticed. There will be uphills and downhills.. and you will realize later on that they were beautiful and meaningful. I was also a student like you who went to school and worked part-time then I was suddenly cast on 'High Kick'***. I didn't even know how to read a script. Everything I did was terrible acting. But the sitcom got over 20% and 30% viewer ratings. I got to star in commercials. And I made money. I got a new car and people started to treat me differently. On top of that, I was cast in 'Bread, Dreams and Love'. It got over 50% viewer ratings. Do you think I was happy? No. I was scared... Because it wasn't my achievement. I was just extremely lucky. Thing was, if I did anything more, I'd lose everything. So I started to hide. I avoided seeing the public. I completely hid myself and especially didn't do variety shows. Why? You saw how bad I am at table tennis****. I was afraid of being revealed. But... Meanwhile, my coworkers, for example, Joo Won, Shin Sekyung, Park Shinhye and Choi Daniel, they continued the challenge even if they failed. They fought against the online haters and continued on their path as actors. When I was in the military. I regretted so much. I imagined how beautiful it must've been for them. I regretted...that I avoided experiencing the ups and downs because I was scared. Now I want to see the beautiful scenery of  the uphills and downhills myself. That's why I decided to join 2 Days 1 Night. It will be hard to go up and scary to go down. Still, I'll give it a try. Thank you. 

*this episode, they casts are paired with an Ewha student (mentor)
**Korean men have to undergo military service for 2 years
***the speaker is an actor
****A joke made to describe his fear to expose his weakness to viewers (He's bad at table tennis)

I omitted some unnecessary part in the transcript aka the joke people who aren't familiar won't understand. .

I remember tearing up when I first listened to this talk. Now I just straight up cry because I could relate so much to it. I am feeling so afraid to throw myself out there. But I don't want to waste my youth like this. I want to live passionately. But I am too damn scared that it's too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do and I'm stuck in my comfort zone, my safe haven.. under my parents wings. I hate myself for being a coward like this but where do I find the courage? 

I have so much insecurities right now that they're driving me nuts. I keep thinking and thinking to the point I hope my brain just stop working for a while so that I can have a peace of mind. But I don't have the luxury to do so. I have to think how do I want to spend my life, how do I want to make a living, what I really want in life and everything or I'll just stuck here forever. It is such a dangerous place really. So dangerous. 

I remember having dream and ambition when I was younger and feeling so excited on how the future will turn out for me but now, I've learned the hard way that when you grow up, there's so much more than just dream. You are suddenly hit with the reality. Reality of life and fate. What you dreamed of is not always the way you are meant to live like. I was so caught up with my dream that when it failed, now I am no one? Hahaha... 

I don't want to look back on my life when I am older and regret how I spend my young precious days... 

What do I really want in life? How do I go through this life? 

I'm afraid.. so so afraid.. but still, I want to give it a try.... 

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

When am I going to be able to?


Post ni dah lama ada dalam draft aku. Aku tak dapat recall apa aku niatkan untuk tulis pada waktu tu tapi bila tengok balik post ni sekarang buat aku rasa macam... a total loser? Haha. *insert bitter laugh*.

Funny how my young self was so naive. Aku ingat lagi masa sekolah rendah (maybe also sekolah menengah), I think that all I need to do is study diligently, masuk universiti, get a degree, land a job and balas balik jasa parents.

Now that I am at that phase, I laughed at my innocent thought back then. Who would have thought finding a job is this hard. Dan aku masih pun belum habis merungkaikan fikiran aku yang berserabut memikirkan tentang kehidupan dan masa depan.

Aku masih lagi hidup macam biawak hidup perabiskan beras dekat rumah. Makan pakai mak abah tanggung. Aku sebenarnya sangat sangat malu. Aku nak jadi anak yang boleh diharapkan but lol, I laughed again at my incompentency.

Kerja sambilan? Aku dah lama sebenarnya nak cari kerja sambilan tapi aku tak tahu kenapa, aku rasa susah. Padahal dalam plan hidup aku lepas grad, aku memang nak merasa kerja sambilan sebab nak merasa semua tu. Aku nak ada pengalaman tu. Tapi, sekali lagi, entah mengapa.

Laju pulak aku menulis kali ni. Aku dah lama tak menulis and rasa macam kekok cuba menulis balik. 

Aku tak tahu apa yang aku takutkan, tapi aku takut. Hidup aku sekarang penuh uncertainty dan pemboleh ubah nya banyak sangat. Langkah yang bagaimana lah yang aku harus ambil sebenarnya.

Aku selalu berserabut sorang-sorang lepas tu end up tak boleh tidur haha. It's taking a toll on my body and mental, I'm tired seriously. Aku tak reti macam mana nak discuss heart to heart dengan parents aku sebab this topic is starting to be my sore spot, kalau salah step, aku terasa sensorang.

Dan sebenarnya, aku dah pernah cerita dekat close friends, but I don't know, maybe otak aku pelik sangat dorang pun tak paham haha.

Hari ni aku menulis pasal ni pun sebab terjumpa post ni dalam draft. Bukak balik that tweet and my heart ache? Of course, that guy is so sweet and what not but when can I do so to my parents pulak? Not necessarily beli kereta mahal-mahal pun, kalau aku dapat tolong dorang bayar bil api air pun aku happy dah kot buat masa sekarang.

Why is growing up so hard? Hahaha. I really need to step up my game, right? I don't know if anybody will read this to be honest. But if you do, please pray for me too. Thank you :)

Saturday, December 31, 2016

A Farewell Note

I planned to post this on facebook but it gots too long that I decided to put this post up on blog instead. 

This is going to be one hell of a karangan. But who cares, once in a while kot. It's not everyday that you're graduating haha (even it's unofficial) 

Going to UTP is something I didn't even plan. Waktu isi permohonan dulu memang dengan niat nak dapat pengalaman interview sebab tahu nak masuk UTP ada interview apa semua. Then, tiba-tiba dapat. Hahaha. Dah la daftar like after 2 or 3 weeks tah lepas SPM. Lol. Orang lain tengah seronok bersuka ria aku dah kena pegi register masuk u. Waktu check dapat ke tak tu, and tengok-tengok dapat tu, macam-macam berlegar kat minda aku. Oke ke tak geoscience ni. Duit yuran dah la mahal nokharom. Lepas tu aku pulak target nak masuk UPNM or asasi UM. Long story short, lastnya aku pegi gak. Sebenarnya waktu daftar UTP tu aku masih lagi dengan minda budak sekolah. Aku skema gila waktu MAS aku rasa. Even after MAS tu aku ingat lagi aku turun surau kat v2 tu nak solat. Rupanya tak payah pun, bukannya asrama wajib turun jemaah ke apa. 

 Foundie, aku dah rasa susah. 4 bulan cramp benda yang kat sekolah ko mungkin belajar dalam 3 tahun? and repeat that for the freaking sem. Hectic nak mampus. Bukan nak berbangga, but I'm dubbed as one of the 'pandai' one la time sekolah sebab tido-tido pun skor (takdelah skor mana pun padahal), tapi masuk u, that mentality tak boleh bawak bro. Macam mana genius pun, you have to put certain amt of effort. And sebab aku bawak mentality sekolah la aku punya prestasi kat u macam errrr... and when I realize, it's late already.. T_T Then aku pulak join MEDTECH lagi, busy dengan event apa semua (oh my life as a secretary). Budak foundie lain busy berseronok, aku dok bergelumang dengan documentation dengan MOM. Cerita pasal MEDTECH ni sampai bila tak habis. Haha. Aku ingat lagi dilema aku nak masuk UPNM wak tu 2nd sem founide hahahah. (Mak, orang oke je ni bukan bersedih tak dapat masuk oke). In the end, I choose to stay in UTP and though sometimes, I look back and ponder pasal ni, in the end, manusia merancang but Allah know best. 

Bagi aku masuk cerita pasal geoscience dan batu rangers. I always got this question when people ask me aku amek course apa 'Geoscience? Belajar apa ek?'. My answer will be this 'We study rocks'. Memang betul pun. Aku mula-mula serious cakap aku tak minat sangat pun course ni. Cumanya, bila dah makin lama, ko rasa makin fascinating. Bila ko tengok batu, macam-macam run dalam otak. Aku paling suka PG ni satu je. I can be myself. I'm no ayu person. I wear jeans and tee on daily basis (with my tudung bawal hitam/blue black, of course). And aku rasa fit dengan nature aku. And don't forget all those fieldtrip aka free vacation around Semenanjung. Hahaha. East Coast fieldtrip paling seronok berjalan. Satu yang tak best is bila cakap pasal peluang kerja sebab ONG sekarang tengah teruk. But nevermind, aku tak kisah sangat sebab aku nak target masuk ONG pun macam tenggelam timbul je possibility sebab pointer cukup makan hahahha. 

 The first tribute will be for my Abah and Mak, ucapan terima kasih takkan pernah cukup untuk balas segala yang mak dengan abah sacrifice untuk besarkan orang dengan adik beradik lain. Abah Mak tak pernah lokek bab-bab duit untuk belajar. Orang mintak maap orang punya result kat UTP tak macam mak abah harapkan. Orang mintak maap jugak, orang rasa kat u ni orang tak cukup kuat usaha belajar. And to Mak, stop feeling gulity for the fact that I didn't go to UPNM. It just happen and whatever it is, Allah dah kata memang orang kat sini. And I don't mind kalau Ayip nak masuk sana pun. In fact, I'll be happy sebab at least walaupun orang tak masuk sana, ada adik orang yang masuk sana.

During the five years in UTP, terlalu banyak kenangan untuk dikira dan terlalu banyak manusia yang aku jatuh sayang (that sound so geliiii.. takpe Keon, once in a while..) 

To Husna Anira , Amirah Izzati, Norhanisah Rahmat , Nurhanie Syakirah , Amira Syahida Mohd Shah daripada aku seorang manusia yang memang tak reti cakap pasal feeling jadi manusia yang bercerita bila dengan korang. (I use to channel that part of me thru writing haha. Sebab tu bila dah mula bercerita dengan korang aku dah jarang blogging). To the rest of Jojoboboyut, you guys have been a very big part of my life in UTP. Banyak sangat kenangan, banyak sangat cerita kita semua hadap sama-sama. To Fatin Azhar , Nana Farhana and Nurin Abz . Aku tak ingat macam mana kita end-up berempat (well add Noor Solehin and Hariz Asnawi into the equation for countless courseworks (aku seriously lost count berapa assignment buat dengan korang semua)). Tanpa korang, aku akan selamanya jadi lone ranger dalam batu rangers. Haha. Thank you guys for everything! Walaupun aku dipaksa pakai baju wanita dan bermekap oleh anda, aku redhakan :P . Thanks for bearing with me Fatin, Nana and Nurin! Sorry aku selalu clueless bab-bab cerita korang. Haha. Kalau aku pegi KL aku roger korang eyh Nana, Nurin! And sebab Bun dengan Hariz selalu bahan aku pasal askar lately (ni semua salah Fatin), salute! Tanpa korang, entah macam mana aku nak survive degree ni woi!

To the rest of Batu Rangers, sorry I am one of those insignificant classmates yang nampak muka time kelas je (itupun kalau pergi hahahahahhahah) and lepas tu terus lesap balik bilik. Sorry jarang gila spend time dengan korang kecuali time fieldtrip je. And semoga kelas kita semua perform dapat kerja mantopp mantopp semuanya. 

 To the beloved seniors of MEDTECH, seperti mana aku thanks korang time korang punya convo, nak thanks gak kat sini sebab you guys are the one who were (and still are) always there to guide us, the juniors during our early days in MEDTECH. I will forever treasure all the memories and knowledge you guys shared with us. Kak Tirah, Kak Shahirah, Kak Nina, Kak Farahin, Fariz, Lobot, Ipin, Azrul, Pau, Arai, Celat, Nanan, Am, Kak Yana, Faiz, Mahsyar, Ajun, Mamu, Nizam, Raihan, Paan and tak terlist weyh semua tapi insyaAllah aku ingat selagi mana Allah bagi pinjam memori. Segala ilmu yang anda semua share, thank you. And Abang Khaibad toooo! (Me and Husna is missing your motivational talk a lott) To the juniors, thank you for everything and jaga MEDTECH elok2. To our beloved dongsaeng (u know who you are), jaga diri elok2. Jaga korang punya study, jaga MEDTECH.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Future?

Growing up, I've always dream of getting the A-list career and earn a lot of money and live in kemewahan. Tapi bila aku dah hampir nak grad ni, all I can think of is actually to land a decent career that will allow me to continuously improving myself while earning just enough to make the end meet. Why? I really want a hassle free life in which I only compete with myself to be better and pada masa yang sama boleh berbakti pada orang. Aku nak satu keje yang mana mengajar aku jadi selfless as weird as that sound.

Aku membesar dalam hidup yang sangat sederhana. Abah keje biasa-biasa. Gaji biasa-biasa. Mak tambah pendapatan by menjahit and jual bahulu. And aku selalu rasa dah besar nanti aku nak kerja yang gaji besar sebab boleh beli je apa-apa yang aku nak sebab dari kecik aku dah terbiasa kalau nak beli barang ke apa kena fikir dulu pasal bajet apa semua sebab aku paham je keadaan kewangan keluarga sendiri. And sebenarnya sampai sekarang aku amazed dengan bapak aku sebab aku wonder macam mana he make all the end meet eventhough sometimes there's loose knot somewhere sikit-sikit but still, kitorang cukup je apa semua keperluan.

Tapi bila dah besar, aku dah hilang sebenarnya dah tak minat dengan benda materialistik macam tu. I don't have the hots for car (I actually only plan to buy Saga and use it till it goes kaput bila dah keje nanti), or branded clothes (people who know me know I actually still have and wear cloth from 7 years ago, LOL). So pada aku, aku nak kerja yang boleh provide aku cukup untuk tampung bills, tax, food and transportation je. Aku tak nak kerja yang gaji tinggi tapi end up aku tak boleh nak enjoy kerja tu.

During my internship, I saw what passion does to your work performance. Kalau someone doesn't have enough enthusiasm pada kerja dia possibility nak kerja sambil lewa tu adalah tinggi. Plus, benda ni kait pulak dengan tanggungjawab and amanah kan. So landing a job is not as easy as it seems. Ada banyak benda lagi yang nak kena fikir. Tambah lagi, aku ada satu lagi persoalan yang aku ada sejak intern yang aku tak terjawab-jawab lagi, what keep people going on their job. Minus the money part. Aku masih lagi mencari jawapan untuk ini. Aku rasa bila aku dapat jawapan untuk ni banyak benda dalam hidup aku untuk masa akan datang akan terjawab jugak.

Buat masa sekarang, plan aku hanyalah untuk melalui apa yang muncul sehari-hari sehabis baik. Lagi lebih kurang 2 bulan setengah nak grad jadinya aku masih ada masa (kot?).

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Hello 2016

Dah masuk 2016. 

2015 yang baru saja berlalu was eventful. I owe myself a blogpost on 2015 wrap up. Tapi entahlah bila akan siap. Selagi tak ada mood yang betul untuk menulis takkan jadi punya. Haha.

Aku tak nak letak apa-apa azam spesifik untuk 2016. I just wanna go through this year with courage and good spirit. I also hope that I can change for better. 

First quarter of 2016 will be me completing the second part of the internship; the internship project. I hope that I can gather all the strength and knowledge I need to complete the project successfully. I wanna score more than 3.50 GPA for this one. I NEED TO!!! 

After the internship, ehemmmm... I am planning for holiday. Huhuhu. Itinerary planning  is such a pain in the ass btw. I am really excited for this one for sure. But sometime, I hesitated. Why? I feel like bringing my family for holiday in Malaysia instead. After some contemplating, I promise myself that once I am working real work I mean, not internship I will bring my family for holiday. 

This year should be the last year of me being a student (mungkin sampai awal 2017 kot) but the point is, I'm going to be a final year student after I finish my internship. Besides graduating successfully and happily, I hope to spend quality time with my friends during the final year in UTP because after that, memang semua akan bersepah-sepah and it will become hard to spend time together.

Most importantly, I wanna spend more time with my family. Since I entered boarding school from Form 1, I always feel somehow disconnected from my family. I prefer spending time with friends and share stories with them. That, continues after I enter UTP. However, I am very thankful that during the first half of my internship, for some reason, I feel close to them. 

There's a lot of thing that I anticipate in 2016. 

Hope that this year will be great. 

Bismillah. 2016. Let's get started.

 
The cover page of my yet-to-be-printed planner. You can even see the guide there. HAHAHA.