Of Dream and Reality

Masa kecik-kecik dulu I am sure that most of us ada macam-macam cita-cita besar. Dan kita fikir apa yang kita perlu buat cumalah belajar rajin-rajin supaya pandai dan dapat capai cita-cita bila dah besar. But nobody and nothing prepared us for the reality di mana unemployment kini dah macam satu epidemik yang menjangkiti youngsters walaupun tidak memilih pun kadang-kadang tu.

Reality hit me like truck. Ambition and dream seems like something so distant and almost alien to me. Aku teringat aku tengok speech Donggu dalam 2 Days 1 Night time dorang pegi Ewha University. Kalau rajin playlah video kat bawah ni. Kalau rasa nak tengoklah.

For people who are not going to watch; here is the transcript:

Title of talk: The Road Even a GPS Can't Find 

We were given the topic so suddenly, so I wondered what to lecture on.. But earlier, during the day, my mentor* was concerned about this: Whether to pursue her dreams or follow her parents' wishes; the safe route that her parents wanted. I think that this is a really difficult question. So I'd like to tell you my thoughts on it. These days, people seem to know too much. But we don't really know who we are. We don't know what we like. We don't know what makes us sad. We don't seem to know. If we were to take a test... 

If you were to grab a grade or high school students and ask them what their dream is and they don't know. Even if they do have a dream, if you ask why they have that dream, they can't answer you. They don't know who they are, what they're good at. They have no dreams. I was recently in the army** and I met a lot of men that are around your age there and I found that they had the same problem. "How should I live my life?". 

I want to ask you the same question. Let's say you are given only one day and you must be happy on that day.. I know the question sound silly. Do you actually have something you could so, if you had to be happy? It's like that in the army (chuckles). You only have one day off, and you have to relieve all the stress in one day. You want to eat good food and do all this. But you have to be good to your parents too. So much to do. But what would really make me happy? I couldn't find the answer. No matter how much you read and no matter how much you think, I couldn't work out who I really was. Given that I have yet to reach my success... 

It's easy to reach your destination on the highway, you can reach your destination quickly. But, if you make a detour, you'll see the beautiful scenery you never noticed. There will be uphills and downhills.. and you will realize later on that they were beautiful and meaningful. I was also a student like you who went to school and worked part-time then I was suddenly cast on 'High Kick'***. I didn't even know how to read a script. Everything I did was terrible acting. But the sitcom got over 20% and 30% viewer ratings. 

I got to star in commercials. And I made money. I got a new car and people started to treat me differently. On top of that, I was cast in 'Bread, Dreams and Love'. It got over 50% viewer ratings. Do you think I was happy? No. I was scared... Because it wasn't my achievement. I was just extremely lucky. Thing was, if I did anything more, I'd lose everything. So I started to hide. I avoided seeing the public. I completely hid myself and especially didn't do variety shows. Why? You saw how bad I am at table tennis****. I was afraid of being revealed. 

But... Meanwhile, my coworkers, for example, Joo Won, Shin Sekyung, Park Shinhye and Choi Daniel, they continued the challenge even if they failed. They fought against the online haters and continued on their path as actors. When I was in the military. I regretted so much. I imagined how beautiful it must've been for them. I regretted...that I avoided experiencing the ups and downs because I was scared. Now I want to see the beautiful scenery of  the uphills and downhills myself. That's why I decided to join 2 Days 1 Night. It will be hard to go up and scary to go down. Still, I'll give it a try. Thank you. 

*this episode, they casts are paired with an Ewha student (mentor)

**Korean men have to undergo military service for 2 years

***the speaker is an actor

****A joke made to describe his fear to expose his weakness to viewers (He's bad at table tennis)

I omitted some unnecessary part in the transcript aka the joke people who aren't familiar won't understand. .

I remember tearing up when I first listened to this talk. Now I just straight up cry because I could relate so much to it. I am feeling so afraid to throw myself out there. But I don't want to waste my youth like this. I want to live passionately. But I am too damn scared that it's too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do and I'm stuck in my comfort zone, my safe haven.. under my parents wings. I hate myself for being a coward like this but where do I find the courage? 

I have so much insecurities right now that they're driving me nuts. I keep thinking and thinking to the point I hope my brain just stop working for a while so that I can have a peace of mind. But I don't have the luxury to do so. I have to think how do I want to spend my life, how do I want to make a living, what I really want in life and everything or I'll just stuck here forever. It is such a dangerous place really. So dangerous. 

I remember having dream and ambition when I was younger and feeling so excited on how the future will turn out for me but now, I've learned the hard way that when you grow up, there's so much more than just dream. You are suddenly hit with the reality. Reality of life and fate. What you dreamed of is not always the way you are meant to live like. I was so caught up with my dream that when it failed, now I am no one? Hahaha... 

I don't want to look back on my life when I am older and regret how I spend my young precious days... 

What do I really want in life? How do I go through this life? 

I'm afraid.. so so afraid.. but still, I want to give it a try.... 

When am I going to be able to?

Sejuk perut mak yang mengandungkan dia 👏 pic.twitter.com/pwZe1bbo5p

— Masha (@mashashaary) November 16, 2015

Post ni dah lama ada dalam draft aku. Aku tak dapat recall apa aku niatkan untuk tulis pada waktu tu tapi bila tengok balik post ni sekarang buat aku rasa macam... a total loser? Haha. *insert bitter laugh*.

Funny how my young self was so naive. Aku ingat lagi masa sekolah rendah (maybe also sekolah menengah), I think that all I need to do is study diligently, masuk universiti, get a degree, land a job and balas balik jasa parents.

Now that I am at that phase, I laughed at my innocent thought back then. Who would have thought finding a job is this hard. Dan aku masih pun belum habis merungkaikan fikiran aku yang berserabut memikirkan tentang kehidupan dan masa depan.

Aku masih lagi hidup macam biawak hidup perabiskan beras dekat rumah. Makan pakai mak abah tanggung. Aku sebenarnya sangat sangat malu. Aku nak jadi anak yang boleh diharapkan but lol, I laughed again at my incompentency.

Kerja sambilan? Aku dah lama sebenarnya nak cari kerja sambilan tapi aku tak tahu kenapa, aku rasa susah. Padahal dalam plan hidup aku lepas grad, aku memang nak merasa kerja sambilan sebab nak merasa semua tu. Aku nak ada pengalaman tu. Tapi, sekali lagi, entah mengapa.

Laju pulak aku menulis kali ni. Aku dah lama tak menulis and rasa macam kekok cuba menulis balik. 

Aku tak tahu apa yang aku takutkan, tapi aku takut. Hidup aku sekarang penuh uncertainty dan pemboleh ubah nya banyak sangat. Langkah yang bagaimana lah yang aku harus ambil sebenarnya.

Aku selalu berserabut sorang-sorang lepas tu end up tak boleh tidur haha. It's taking a toll on my body and mental, I'm tired seriously. Aku tak reti macam mana nak discuss heart to heart dengan parents aku sebab this topic is starting to be my sore spot, kalau salah step, aku terasa sensorang.

Dan sebenarnya, aku dah pernah cerita dekat close friends, but I don't know, maybe otak aku pelik sangat dorang pun tak paham haha.

Hari ni aku menulis pasal ni pun sebab terjumpa post ni dalam draft. Bukak balik that tweet and my heart ache? Of course, that guy is so sweet and what not but when can I do so to my parents pulak? Not necessarily beli kereta mahal-mahal pun, kalau aku dapat tolong dorang bayar bil api air pun aku happy dah kot buat masa sekarang.

Why is growing up so hard? Hahaha. I really need to step up my game, right? I don't know if anybody will read this to be honest. But if you do, please pray for me too. Thank you :)