Turned 30, alhamdulillah!

 I haven't been updating for a month already (What’s new to be honest? Me and consistency has been beefing for years). 

Things have been hectic at work since after raya until early June for me. I barely had room to breathe because the workload was something else. But now it’s way too slow that it’s killing my motivation pulak. Haha. Why la my workload only at 2 extreme ends and never had a nominal.

Up and down at work also extend to my up and down in my more important pursuit. My heart is not exactly in the best state after Ramadhan and I am still struggling to get my effort in my pursuit to be at least at the level when I was preparing for Ramadhan. 

My strategy is easy, to get back to listening to a lot of lessons as the first step because that was what I did before and it works. But I got a hurdle now, I succumbed to the temptations of entertainment. Thanks but no thanks to my 1-year iQiyi subscription. Ya Allah, give me the strength to tepis all of these godaan. 

Oh ya, have to put this here as well. I’m officially 30! Alhamdulillah. My birthday was on 20th June btw, so a week has passed. I was planning to write about me turning 30 here but procrastination and laziness go so well with me, they fit like a glove (ugh) that I ended up not doing it.

30, is the decade that I waited for. Turning 30 might sound overwhelming but as much as it does that, it brings excitement to me as well. I am excited to be the better grounded version of myself. And I want to get as many knowledge and do as many ibadah as I can. Supaya nanti, when I turn 40 pulak, I will have the ground to work on more on myself. Continuous improvement, insyaAllah. May Allah permit us to live a fulfilling life full of goodness. 

30 is the age that I want to start to let go. Let go of my obsession with worldly stuff and whatever is in it. I don’t want to be affected by other people judgment and expectation as much as I did before. And I want to be contented with what I have and not look at what other people have with jealousy or envy. Ya Allah, hold my heart and let is see all the You have already bestowed upon me with eyes and heart of gratitude. 

I will end this super random, everywhere and nothing structured update with, see you next time, dear blog!

Put the Same Effort! and More!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Probably unknown to many, alhamdulillah that Allah Al-Sitteer, the one that conceals, conceals what I have been obsessed with from most people, except when I wronged myself and expose my own sins to the others. I would not go into details, but let just say here that I was way too obsessed with entertainment, music and fandom to be exact. 

I know now that I really shouldn’t be doing what I have done, to the point of effort that I have put in. Especially when I have not put an ounce of effort to fulfil my obligations as an abd’ that time. The times that I will never get back, and the effects of sin that lingers, is now something that has become that flint that got stuck in the flesh. It hurts and it’s agonizingly bad. 

I wrote this in a reflection of an episode of Juz 30 for 30 that I listened to (in Ramadhan btw - this post has been sitting in my draft for so long and for what haha) where they discussed Juz 4 with the theme of True Success and the Rope of Allah. When Dr Tamara Gray tells the story about Ikramah, it just struck me. All of his past sin was forgiven by Allah when he accepted Islam but that wasn’t enough for him. He then proceeded to put in as much effort and more in Islam as he did when he was fighting against Islam, but now for Islam.

It has stricken me that I have spent way too much time and effort on worldly matters, especially entertainment, to the point, it has stolen the time I should have spent to worship Allah. Countless time I have delayed my solah when I actually can pray it on time but somehow "I've got no time" or "I'm busy, let's perform it one hour later". Worst, I put them off because I was too "busy" watching drama. Busy.Watching.Drama. Busy.Watching.Some.Kpop Group. Time is one thing, but remembering the effort that I used to put into fangirling, all the money... ya Allah, forgive me and let me not do that again. Allow me to put the same effort and more into exalting You, ya Rabb.

Putting this link under so that I can rewatch this whenever I re-read this reflection, insyaAllah. 

103:1 - 103:3 (Al-Asr) إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا۟ بِٱلْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا۟ بِٱلصَّبْرِ.وَٱلْعَصْر. إِنَّ ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ لَفِى خُسْرٍ

By the ˹passage of˺ time! Surely humanity is in ˹grave˺ loss, except those who have faith, do good, and urge each other to the truth, and urge each other to perseverance. — Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran.

A Stressfull Week

I haven't been having this much stress due to work for such a long time already. I have been working at my current workplace for just a bit more than 6 months now. Usually it's just quiet days, even if there's many tasks, it is still manageable. Probably due to the fact that I have no mass production mode pressure yet. Honestly, it was a breeze 90% of the time.

But this week really got me so stressed out that I have to resort to morning coffee. I have been living without morning coffee for so long already but due to a case happening involving my operators, I broke my morning coffee "fasting". 

I have been thinking about the incident for the whole week and I still can't get over it. I have never felt so useless and incompetent at work before but they have made me felt just that. The fact that I was near them when the fight happen and I didn't manage to stop them. And the very fact that, part of the reason why the fight stemmed was due to my work arrangement. 

I have been getting the feeling that they didn't really regard me as their supervisor and the respect wasn't there but honestly, I don't care much. As long as they did their job, I am cool. But I guess, I am wrong. I need to do more. I am aware that respect is earned so I'll have to put more work into it. 

As I am writing this, I am just having flashback of not only the incident but also all the talks surrounding it and ughhhh I hate it so much like seriously. Dah la kerja lain pun banyak, and then they add MSG like this, it's really has been one hell of a week. Hopefully next week is better insyaAllah. 

We Really Don't Know Things

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim. 

Not so recently I went to a school junior's wedding and I went there with a senior whom I have always adored in my school years because of how kind she is; and her Quran recitation is super sweet btw!

When chatting with her on our journey to the wedding venue, I realized that we really don't know things and we can't predict life. And no matter how we try to be careful in what we choose to do, we might in end up in situation that is so bewildering. A life that was calm and beautiful might took a sudden downturn and went south and we might feel like we are drowning in all the overwhelming feelings that burst as the situation just unroll. 

We also might think that we have got all our bases covered, we have prepared things for our life to the "flowery" path, but really, life isn't all that pretty and we have been told by Allah this. This is the life of test, a place where we will get tested with either things that we have, or we don't have. Things that are abundant, or things that is absent in our life. And those who will taste the sweetness of rewards in the hereafter is those who always remember Him despite everything that comes our way.

Talking to her also make me realize that, we really don't know what people are going through behind the smiles that they gave. People might seem okay, people might seem happy, but we don't know that behind that façade, hide a hurt soul. And because we really don't know things, it is also the reason why we need to be nice and be kind to people for your kindness might be the thing that give the light for them for the day or the very reason for them to feel that life is worth it, no matter what might happen in life. 

It also makes me reflect of my life, and how I have lived and felt it when she asked me this "What are you living for now? What gives you joy?". For a moment, I was silent. I was struck by the fact that I am blessed. He has tested me and He has given me relief. He gave me grief, but there was abundance of love that held my life together. Our day to day life might not be beautiful or happy all the time, so is sadness, we don't feel it all the time... Sometimes we go about our day not feeling anything, and just went on to do our routines as usual. But even at that, how can we say that we have not tasted Allah's mercy everyday, to every second of our life. 

We have a lot to be grateful for, there will not be enough Alhamdulillah to utter if it's actually wajib for us to do that for every blessing that we get everyday even if we don't feel particularly happy on the day. We have a lot to raise our hands in dua for, and for that, may Allah always call us to Him and take us in his Rahmah. 

May Allah gives my beloved sister the happiness that she is searching for, may she find relief. And may Allah mends the broken and replaced the lost with something that so good that it brings her not only happiness on this Earth, but also be the means for her to get Jannah in the hereafter. She will not read this, (and no one is reading this anyway), but I love you sister, lillahitaala. You deserves good things, and may you find the solace that you need, insyaAllah. 

Keon Listen to: Podcasts for Woman

This year, one of my resolutions is to reduce my hours listening to music and increase both listening hours to Quranic recitation, Dhikr & Salawat and podcasts with good content. I have been listening to many podcasts and I wanted to document some of those that I love. For below list, mainly for the ladies.

The Aida Azlin Show

Unswtnd + Unfltrd

Voice Hug

The Sumi Show

Head Over Heels

Girls That Invest

My Eyes Turned Green

I recently listened to these podcast episodes. In the #50 Jealousy episode, they touched mostly on jealousy in different forms of relationships and in the #42 FOMO episode, they talk about FOMO stemming from social media. While the theme of these two episodes is different, they touched on jealousy, envy. 
My favorite part of both has to be when the hosts contemplate where their jealousy comes from because when they talked about that, it made me investigate where mine is coming from. While they were discussing this, they discussed a few factors.

         

Jealousy that come from ingratitude
There’s jealousy or worse, envy that comes from our own ingratitude. When we failed to be grateful to Allah for all the blessings that He has bestowed upon us. And that’s why when we see what He has given to others, the envy comes. If there’s a cure that I can think of is to do a lot of tasbih and tahmid. Say Subhanallah, say Alhamdulillah. And we also need to realize that Allah’s ‘package’ for everyone of His servants is different and every ‘item’ in the ‘package’  is for what’s best for us. We need to have a thankful heart that is always saying tahmid to him for all of the bounty that He has provided us with. I felt this creeping up way too much when I scrolled through Instagram, I felt jealous seeing other people's lives that look good in my life especially when they got something that I wished for. But I forgot that Allah has given me so much improvement in mine compared to previously and I failed to be grateful for His present for me. Ya Allah forgive my ingratitude. It is a bit drastic, but I end up uninstalling Instagram altogether because of this (also it’s because I mindlessly scroll way too much so I need to cut my social  media time). Alhamdulillah, it has made my heart more at peace and more focused on the goodness of my own life that He has given to me. 

Jealousy that come from arrogance, superiority, entitlement

You know when we feel like we are better than someone but they got better things? And they are happier? That’s when our heart is really ‘sick’. Arrogance is the sickness of the heart that is dangerous because with it, we will not enter Jannah. 

وعن عبد الله بن مسعود رضي الله عنه عن النبى صلى الله عليه وسلم قال‏: ‏ “لا يدخل الجنة من كان في قلبه مثقال ذرة من كبر” فقال رجل” إن الرجل يحب أن يكون ثوبه حسناً ونعله حسناً‏؟‏ قال‏: ‏ “إن الله جميل يحب الجمال الكبر بطر الحق وغمط الناس” ‏(‏‏(‏رواه مسلم‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏

'Abdullah bin Mas'ud (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "He who has, in his heart, an ant's weight of arrogance will not enter Jannah." Someone said: "A man likes to wear beautiful clothes and shoes?" Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Allah is Beautiful, He loves beauty. Arrogance means ridiculing and rejecting the Truth and despising people." [Muslim].

Riyad as-Salihin 611

https://sunnah.com/riyadussalihin:611

Honestly, I am so afraid of this. I don't know how did I let my heart to grow sick from this but whenever I realize this sickness is in me, I can only turn to Him and seek for His forgiveness and for Him to remove ANY of this wretched feeling in my heart. I am no better than anyone else, I sinned a lot and without Allah veiling it, I'll be looking and smelling rotten from it. And I also realized that, when we have arrogance, we will have this sense of entitlement that when we see what other people achieve, we get the sense of "Eh hey, I deserved that too" when you don't really know what the the other people had to go through to be where they are now. For this one, I seek refuge with Allah from the arrogance of my own filthy heart, ya Allah, please remove this sickness from my heart. 

Jealousy that come from low self esteem

I also realized that feeling jealous also come from low self esteem. We saw people achieving great feat and we stayed at where we are and we started feeling jealous because we don't own up our own life. Again, it's because we didn't feel grateful with we have and we felt that we are 'small' because we don't get those shiny, extravagant, lively life that people are living. It's really important that we learn to appreciate our own self and how far we have become instead of putting ourselves down comparing our lives with others and end up feeling jealous. We are where we are for reason and we must make the best of it. And we also need to realize that on social media, we only see good things. Very rarely people showcase their weaknesses, their Achilles heel, their vulnerability for people to see (and for good reason as well, because if you want to show that, show it to the Almighty because he is al Jabbar). We see good things and our knowledge is limited on that and Allah know what they have went through and what effort they have put it to get what they get.

To summarize this, to not be jealous of others, you really need to be grateful with what you have and realize that you are already given to you what is good for you. And this is where I will end this reflection from pondering about jealousy after listening to these two episode.

Why Am I Excited to Finally Turn 30

First decade of my life, I have the best years of getting scars over failing off the bike cause I was riding it a tad bit too fast. Got my knee scraped over falling while running, playing catch with friends. Played in the rain countless times and sometimes got a fever from it. Make my own roundest bat from random wood that we found, make my own kite from old newspaper and fly them high up the sky (and get mom angry sometimes because her thread has gone MIA). Used my body to the max to play; badminton, roundest, galah panjang, zero point, lubang tikus, cop tiang and many others. Sang my heart out in the playground, competing to see who sounded the best. On a slow day, we played paper planes, osom, enjet-enjet semut, batu seremban, tutup tin and 5 perkataan. Wow, the list is really endless and I spent so much time outside. We will only come back to the house when it’s getting dark or until Mak be like “BALIKKKK”. My favorite memories from childhood gotta be when my dad and I sneak out for errands. Because I was the only child at that time that could converse a bit in English, whenever my dad wanted to bring me out alone, he would whisper-talk to me in English haha. My parents also brings us to the waterfalls/streams a lot when it’s not the rainy season. We would be like “Abah nak pergi Salu” and if he was not working, he would make time to bring us to play. In short, I have the best childhood one can ever ask for. Alhamdulillah. 

The second decade, the adolescence, the entahlah period. I have always been the child who kept things from her parents. There’s one time when I scraped my knees from falling down. And it actually got infected to the point the pus is actually covering my knee cap. I can’t even bend my leg from it, but I did not say a word to my parents until they actually noticed that I was walking funny and brought me to the clinic and I still have a scar from this. Well, this became worse in my adolescence. I was in the boarding school so you can imagine how little I talk to my parents. Aku bukanlah jenis budak yang akan bergayut dekat public phone tu everyday. Entahlah now that I try to remember what I actually did in those year at Igop, I’ll be like okay what?  I wouldn't say I didn't learn anything from school. Tarbiyyah aku kebanyakannya bermula daripada Igop. Cuma it didn't stick until after I left. And since I sucks at being friends, I don't really have high school friends that I can still call close friends now (it's totally me btw). So bila aku recall the years in Igop now, I always ask myself like what did I do wrong? I did great in term of grades, I had fun during schools doing some silly stuff. It is a defining moment of sealing off my character building time tho, and it sealed me off as a withdrawn and unpassionate one.

Came the third decade, my chaotic 20s haha. Which I wrote a whole blogpost for, my 20s.

And now, it’s time to cruise the 4th decade and being in the 30s. To some, turning 30 is dreadful. While for some, it is an excitement. And I am in the “Excited 30” camp. Since last year, I was already like, I CAN’T WAIT TO BE IN MY 30s! The reason are honestly nothing grand but first and foremost, insyaAllah, God’s willing, I will finish paying off my debt in 2026. Both my car and MARA eduloan. So I’ll be left with only my medical card and hibah as my monthly financial commitment. With this, I can finally carry on my plan to make a big career shift to something that is more skill based. I am now fixed on hairdressing but this might change. In any case, I don’t want to do white collar job anymore. Penat jaga orang, penat perah otak. I rather perah otak doing writing. Which brings me to my second goal to achieve in my 30s. 

I want to write. Me updating my blogs after being dormant for a long time got to do with this plan. I want to get used to write again. I want to pour my heart into words. I want to turn the scenarios in my head, my imagination and even the dreams in my sleep into paragraph after paragraph, scene after scene. I have always loved writing but I have been keeping it at bay because I sucks at time management before and I keep giving excuses, so yeah, no more of that and more of executing. I have learnt in my past decades that if I want something, I have to keep it going. 

Since I will be having significantly lower financial commitment, I can finally save more for travelling insyaAllah. For this, I am planning to move back to Ipoh after I finish paying off my debts so that I don’t have to spend money to pay rent anymore.(Let’s stay with the parents haha). InsyaAlah, it will be a way for me to be closer to my parents and help them when needed as well, may I become a child that has the patience to deal with my ageing parents. So the plan is travel and parents. GAHHHHH I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!

And the most important focus in my 30s is finding peace and accepting who I am as a person and striving to improve myself as a Muslim. I definitely goof around a lot in my 20s and it is time for me to now turn back to Him, running to Allah and seeking His blessing. I want to fall in love with Rasulullah, I want to submit to Allah and be steadfast on His path. I want to read the Quran, do tadabbur and understand the tafseer. And so I have a lot of lessons to listen to, a lot of readings to do. And I want to use my 30s focusing on these instead of using my time to watch entertainment. I won’t be able to cut it off fully but I want to use significant 80% of my time to ‘reach’ Him and let it be 20% of time for the duniawi stuff. I want to taste the halawatul iman and I have to strive for it and from what I have learnt in the past 3 decades, in this 4th, insyaAllah I wil use all of the lesson, be it good or bad, to be better in this 4th. I want to be 30 and close to Him. I want to be 30 and finally be free. Free of fear of judgement, free of FOMO, free of anything that’s been holding me off to be freer and better. 

I might not know everything about life, but I know better than before and I hope with all the knowledge, life lessons and experiences I’ve gained, this decade, my 30s will be the best time of life, yet. If my 20s is all about me searching for fun and finding a footing in adulthood, insyaAllah in this 30s, I will use my time to be myself. Ease for me ya Allah, allow me to be the best of me. 

Deactivating My Another Life, @yuni_ryuni

While I still have “local” Twitter account, I have recently deactivated my fangirling account. RIP @yuni_ryuni, a moment of silence please. Jk. 

It was such a hard move, I caught myself going back to the Twitter search bar with my @keon_alhan account searching “yuni_ryuni” oh so many times. I created that account when I was in uni I think? Can’t exactly remember now but I found my community there, Inner Circle. I still remember when I first made the account, I still call myself “Incle”. Not until I found out, Inseo didn’t really call themselves Incle haha. Only fake fan did and I am laughing as I wrote this as I remember Lee Seunghoon calling the “Incle” out. Lmao I can’t stand that man. 

Note for you Muggles: Inner Circle is the name of WINNER (a Kpop group) fandom and I am a big fan of this group.

I started as a small account but somehow, along the way, as I once upon a time, so updated on WINNER schedules and I keep myself updated on WINNER university festivals appearance especially, I garnered more than 1000 followers. It was fascinating to be honest but not all of the followers are actively interacting with me anyway so there’s that. But yeah, I am still amazed that I’ve put that much effort in keeping up to date with anything and everything WINNER. And because my mutuals didn’t really know me personally, like really at personal level kind kenal, I find it easy to rants raw and candid thoughts there as well because even if they judged me, they don’t really know me got it? And I became more and more attached to that account to the point that I keep scrolling. Fast forward a few years after creating that account, WINNER is now under hiatus because the maknae line are currently enlisting. Kpop jargon everywhere in this post haha. 

And I, 2 weeks back, deactivated that account on a whim. 

Except it is not actually on a whim, like really on a whim split second kinda thought kind. I have thought about deactivating it for many times. Mainly because fangirling life does not align with the direction that I’m heading to; back to Him. And the Twitter account is the main doorway to my WINNER (and kpop in general) obsession. Don't get me wrong, I still listen to Kpop music but being in a fandom is a whole different case. It takes commitment (yes it sounds totally macam over kan? But really fangirling is a commitment of some sort). For me to take more important commitment, I need to sacrifice this one because it is taking way too much of my time and most importantly attention. I keep scrolling through the account to search for news. At one point, I realised that this has become a habit. A habit with obsession traits. 

I ponder back and forth on the idea of deactivating it. And one day, I just did it. Snap, just like that. With a few touches on the phone screen, I said goodbye to a part of life that has given me joy over the years (and the stress of fanwar hahaha and hiatus HAHAHAHAHA). Was it easy? Nope, but I know this is needed for me to move on, on my steps to become a better Muslim, insyaAllah. 

After I deactivated the account, I asked for Allah's help to hold me steadfast on this road. Sebab sesungguhnya it's not easy… it has become a part of me tau, even if it's not good I know but that was an obsession at one point of my life. But bila difikir, ditimbang-tara, dimusabahkan, I came to realization again, yang not all of the thing that we like or love or adore is good for us. Kita kena rasa the pahit to find the sweetness of submitting and relying to Him and Him only so this was the step that I need to take to reach just that. Walaupun ada la catch dia sebab I didn't deactivate my local Twitter account so I am pretty much still around the tl and many of my friends also minat the same thing so bumpy roaddd. Hahaha. But still, step 1 of deactivating stan Twitter account done. 

There's one time when I was really tempted to reactivate the account to the point that the thought pop out when I was doing my solah, astaghfirullahalazim. And after I finish my solah, I really prayed hard again so that Allah keep me steadfast, so that He hold my heart. After the doa, I read the Quran and it was time for me to choose one random ayah for tadabbur… and the ayah… is al-Hijr, verse 65. 

“Maka pergilah kamu di akhir malam dengan membawa keluargamu, dan ikutilah mereka dari belakang dan janganlah seorangpun di antara kamu menoleh kebelakang dan teruskanlah perjalanan ke tempat yang diperintahkan kepadamu”

I feel like He answered me, He heard me calling for him. I shouldn't look back on my decision, I shouldn't look back to that obsession, I should remove whatever attachment I have and go to Him. And not look back. Run to Him, on His path, on the way to ultimate dream, His paradise. It has been rocky so far, it is not easy but may Allah ease the journey of all of us who are seeking for Him. Amin. 

"What would you do if you are not afraid?"

I came across this question while reading a book “What would you do if you are not afraid?”. And it instantly made me think, really introspective thoughts. It was almost a deep dive into my deepest desire, my wildest dreams (Well, not so wild, but wild in a sense that it is so bewildering to think because my drawback to achieve all that I ever wanted has always been my laziness and my lack of consistency. And these two stemmed from the most important, my fear of commitment and new things). I guess, it is time for me to lay this all down into writings so that it will become my commitment that I put out there for not only me to see. Not sure if there’s anyone reading this to be honest but if you did, leave a comment and hold me accountable for my dreams please!

So what would I do if I am not afraid?

If I am not afraid, I will quit my current job and find a remote job that will give me more flexibility and go for that 3 month trip that I have always dreamt of.

I still remember when I was in my first company where the employees were really given the autonomy over their own career choices, I planned to take a 3 months unpaid leave after completion of my MT program. I even hinted to my superior at that time and she was totally cool with the idea. But yeah, Covid happened and the company closed down so the idea has long gone being shoved to the backburner. But has it left my mind? Absolute-fcking-not. Although I do have to wait for this, I want to pay off my debt first and work another 1 year after to save money for the trip. By rough calculation, I can achieve this when I reach 34. So the trip will be when I am 35! I might be unable to do this on a whim but I want to ensure that I am taking the little steps that lead to it. 

Steps include; monthly savings for travel funds, paying off car and education loan in 3 years (so I’ll have to pay double the scheduled payment for education loan starting next year). 

And to quench my thirst for travel before I go for this 3 month trip in 2029, I will travel to 1 - 2 destinations a year. 2024 Vietnam, Bali, 2025 Sri Lanka, 2026 Umrah, Kazakhstan, 2027 Inner Mongolia, 2028 Zaragoza. Hopefully, this will come true, amin! Destinations can be different but at least 1 trip per year, amin!

If  I am not afraid, I will realize the dream of being a writer. 

I will write on my blog consistently, updating at least 2 posts per month. It has been a long time since this blog served a dust collector. To say that I am ashamed will be an exaggeration, especially because Blogger has pretty much gone out of style. But I do feel like it’s such a shame that I stopped writing altogether. The easiest place to write was a blog since my postings aren’t even serious stuff… like btch, pull yourself together and write! So I made it a point for me to start writing on blog again and make at least 2 posts per month (I want to do 2 per week but boy I will definitely fail that one so cancel and 2 per month it is). Until when will this last? Until I am done sending my novel draft to the publisher. How is it related? I don’t know but I just think that I won’t actually be able to commit to so many writing assignments at one time. 

I will publish that story on Wattpad that I have in my draft and then start to consistently write to update it. This is supposed to be a secret so come here, I’ll whisper to you “I have a Wattpad account and I have 1 story on it that I have already written 6 chapters but it stays in my draft. Shhh. Remember this is a secret”. So yeah, this for me is quite a big step because putting my story out there is scary. And I don’t know whether I’ll actually get people reading it and if they did, will they even like it? But anyway, I think it is time and I need to get over this and publish whatever I have in hand so that I can actually keep working on it. The longer it stays in my draft, the longer that the story will get nowhere. 

I will continue to write (Back)Space, Nobody Like(s) You, and Aku Tak Biasa and send it to book publishers. I can’t get into details for this one truly because if I get into details, it will mean I have to spill stories. So nope nope. Anyway, I have 3 books of which I have ideas and I even already have an outline for one of  them but somehow whenever I have a block, I just close it and stash it away instead of keep trying to write. So, in these 10 years of my 30s, I am to complete these 3 stories. 

If I am not afraid, I will enroll in GiatMara hairdressing class, be a hairdresser and

open "Your Neighborhood Salon"

Back to dream 1; quitting my current job and going for a 3 month trip. This is what I want to do next when I come back from the trip. I have been cutting my own hair since I was 12. Over the years, I’ve been honing my skill, wahh begitu hyperbola. But really tho, I can definitely cut ‘em hairs. So I’ve been wanting to learn hairdressing for quite some time. So my plan after I quit my current line of work, I want to become a hairdresser. After learning, I want to open a mini salon (at home kinda salon). Rather than a big, serious one, I want to be the neighbourhood hairdresser. But for Muslimah. You know how guys always go to their favourite barber for their cut? I want to be just that for my neighbourhood ladies. 

If I am not afraid, I will learn pole dancing

Now, this is wild. Blame it on the variety show that I watch where one of the cast has a pole in her own house for her pole dancing routine. And I’m like I WANT THAT TOO! It’s not like I want to do it outside ke apa but I want to have a pole in my room and be able to do pole dancing when I want. I can’t really do this right now because I am staying in room rental so yeah… cannot. But to even get there, I need to work on my core and hand strength. So, steps that I have to take now is to do daily exercise to build my core and hand strength. And if I still cannot find ways to install the pole in my own room, I guess I’ll find a dancing studio that has it after I sort out my core and hand strength part! Second, I need to learn how to use my body and move to beats so let’s learn normal-on-the-floor dancing first. 

If I am not afraid, I will take that leap of faith and get married

But first, where’s the calon? Lol. Okay kidding.

The core of this is way too deep and to get into details is hard but the keyword is motae solo and fear of commitments. I have been single for as long as I have lived and I love the freedom that comes with it. I don’t have to worry about what and how another person might think or feel about whatever I do. Is there loneliness? I would be lying if I say I have never felt it, especially when I see my friends with their partners but I have found the art of finding solitude in being alone. When I think of suddenly having to let another person “in”, I dread it. So much. And when I think about having to consider someone else whenever I’m making any decision, oh boy, I hate it. Don’t get me started on the commitment part… When I think about the commitment that I have to put on putting together a family and building a home around it… You know what, count me out. And being a forever solo girl, I have long realised that I am not an attractive person, beauty part memang sah-sah out. So this is another reason why I never really get into a relationship. All in all, dah la nak cari calon susah, memikirkan perkahwinan tu sendiri nak maintain tu payah, aku resigned to the fact that, let’s not do this. But to the core of it, it’s all fear… fear of commitment and relationship. Also fearing vulnerability. So for this one, let me think about it. It’s not a dream that I want to achieve for now, but rather to KIV. Haha. 

Andddddd I’m done with this post! Pray for me if you’re reading this! May all Khairunnisa’s dream comes true!

Looking Back at the Past 10 Years of Being in the 20s.

 2014 - 2016 

Friendship, Responsibilities, Internship, First Taste of Travelling, & Finally Graduating

If there's something that I am so bad at, it's keeping a friendship alive. And if I didn't meet Husna, Micha, MZ, Icha & Fatin back then, I'll be the pathetic who didn't have a single long-time friend until now. Masih banyak yang aku perlu belajar tentang keeping a friendship alive. Especially now that it's not the same anymore, we can't meet each other often as before but somehow, along the way, I feel that each of us learn the new way to be each other's rock even if we aren't necessary be talking to each other every time anymore. I'm glad that they came in my little room, when I have no roommate and disrupt what I once called as "peace" but now what I realize it's me alienating myself from the world, because I suck, big time at friendship. Friendship is still hard for me, somehow I still suck at it until now, but if without them, I'll be a total loser at it. 

Talking about responsibility, it's none other than MEDTECH. Lol. My life in UTP revolve so much around the club. From juggling with club responsibilities, to spending a lot of time having so much fun with the club members. I was so involved and I felt like I need to give 110% every time, without fail. Of course, I was happy to do so, because I enjoyed every thing that I experienced. And when I finally let go of club position, I faced another reality of being a responsible student. It took me years to realize and the result ain't so pretty. I have some sort of regret before but really, looking back, I know that everything that I have experienced, shaped who am I today. And for that, I own up everything that I have done and decisions that I have taken at that time. 

I had difficulties scoring an internship placement. I still remember feeling so hopeless when one by one, my classmates get their offer letter but nothing came in to my Inbox. But indeed, Allah's plan is the most profound. I might got the offer late, but when it did came, I got a placement nearby. Stayed at Atok & Opah house in Kampar and travel to work to Simpang Pulai everyday. At the start of it, I remember Atok being so anxious and insist to send me to and fro everyday but his old age couldn't have handled it. Allah made it easy for me again, there's a neighbour that travel to Ipoh everyday so I got a lift. But the best of it is definitely the daily bus ride to go back to Kampar. Seeing familiar faces, never talked but we somehow shared something in our life. Oh, not to forget, my internship is the start of me getting acquainted with Dr Jose as my supervisor, whom I still keep in contact with until today.  

I have a lot excursions in these 3 years, made many trips with friends but the special one got to be; Singapore for SEA Games 2015 opening (first overseas trip!) and Korea trip  before entering final year will be the  most memorable. I remember the excitement of making a passport for the Singapore trip. It was nothing fancy honestly, we went for SEA Games opening, stroll around the Garden By The Bay. A humble trip because Husna and I were two broke students haha. Off to our second travel, it was after our internship. Our destination? Korea, specifically Seoul, Busan and Jeju. The best memory is none other than meeting Kyuri unnie at the guesthouse we stayed in. She brought us around, kept saying that we're "Lucky Girls" because somehow, we don't have to wait long for bus, every time. The wind tho.... they're violent. I also remembered the funny scene of the ahjussi getting drunk while we're having the supper. It's not even strong drink but he turned red and got so tipsy that he became funnier than he originally was. 

Back from our trip, we were welcomed with our final year life. It was....rough haha. FYP was hard but what made my life a havoc during that time was our E&P subject. I remember staying until late at night in the lab because we have to use Petrel and our lame laptop can never haha. There was one time that we got chased out by the security guard during the round. Unforgettable moments truly. FYP was fun, my supervisor is again Dr. Jose, which was cool. He is so supportive so it's kind a breeze for me, despite not getting good grades. During our first fieldwork, we actually stayed there until it was too dark to see! But nonetheless, I've learnt a lot from him, his dedication and his love for the knowledge is truly commendable. After what it feels like an eternity, we finally graduated!!! I was finally a degree holder after 5 years of work (and play haha). 

2017 

Unemployment, Almost Fell into Depression and WINNER

After the graduation, I planned to take a 3 months break before I started to search for job. My logic at that moment? I started my university life after a short 2 weeks break after SPM, so I deserve the much needed break. And sure enough I have a VERY long 'break' aka unemployment after graduation. I can't remember the details now, I guess my mind just refuse to recall the darkest and the lowest I have ever felt in my life. Getting rejected was even a honor, at that time. Because most of the time, I don't even got any respond for my applications. Going to interview was dreadful, because I can't stand the feeling of waiting for the result after the interview. It was so hard. 

One by one, I saw my friends updating their first job and they are doing great but I was still stuck in my room, can't even go out of it because I felt ashamed to face my mother, my father. I was living off them, like a biawak hidup. Wow, reliving that memories, really....it feels hard even now. When I started the job hunting, I was only searching for geology related career. But it was proven hard and I have a bad CGPA to top. At one point, I started to broaden my search. And even after broadening my search, I couldn't score a job. From being able to happily congratulate my friends on getting their well deserved job, I became resentful and can't even bring myself to be happy for them, not anymore. After I notice that I was becoming more and more resentful, I decided at that point that I needed to get off social media, and so I did. A decision that I am grateful for until now. 

Time pass, and it get harder and harder for me to regulate my emotion. I still remember how I feel like I didn't even deserve to eat because I was useless. A useless daughter. A parasite. And I started to lock myself in the room. Eat only when I really cannot go on with starving myself. Shit, this is so hard to write. I didn't stop searching for job but even the act of it felt useless because I was getting nowhere. Until one day, my mom dragged me out of the room and she said "Keluar dari bilik tu, jangan terperuk di dalam. Kamu boleh dapat kemurungan kalau macam ni". And that was THE moment for me. The moment that I realize that I cannot go on living like that. I snapped out of it and started to build my strength again to fight the demon in me.

I am also thankful that at that time, I got WINNER. They were the happy pills for me. Following their schedules, their every guesting, their every appearance of whatever medium it is became the thing that I anticipated everyday. Even though if I looked back now and think that I should have used that time to get closer to Allah, I do regret that I missed that chance, I missed that calling. But no matter what I have decided to do in the past, I believed that they shaped who am I today. Time wouldn't turn back but if I might say any words to any young-ins going through that moment and their life and you have somehow find the joy in fangirling like me,  I would just say, do it moderately. Obsession in any way is bad, but at the 'right' dose, it'd bring so much joy. 

After all the ups and downs, after so many silent tears, I finally got the call that I was waiting for. In September 2017, I started my working life as a management trainee at Esquel Malaysia Sdn. Bhd. And I found another roadblock in life, my self esteem has been hurt and I lost confidence. 

2018 - 2020 

Reclaiming Self Esteem, Vietnam, Covid Era, Losing Job

As I started the first job, I realize, the 9 months period of unemployment has killed my self esteem. I realized at that time that I couldn't socialize as easily. I flinched at the thought of after work activity. I ate alone during lunch dreading the conversation that I might have to do if I were to eat with my colleague. It was rough, it was tiring, it was just stressing me out. But His plan is indeed the best. I joined the company as a management trainee. The first 6 months? It was basically a honeymoon period for me. I just needed to learn about the company and its business at that time. And thankfully, my superior at that time is cool with me being that annoying introvert who just kept quiet and just go about my day and back. And thankfully as well, he let me explore things by my own without pressuring me too much. Alhamdulillah. Next few months was even easier because 2 other MT joined me, so I wasn't so alone.

My first company isn't as glamorous as my friends but is it the best for me? Alhamdullillah, yes! Despite being a traditional industry, they have allowed me to explore a lot of things, learning so much about lean manufacturing, its principle and its tools. They are definitely not stingy in providing trainings to their MT. Oh the number of trainings that I have at that company? I lost count. They even okay-ed me going to R training. Like who even does that even though the company wasn't going to that route? My biggest achievement in the 3 rotation would be the pay scheme conversion for Wrinkle Free department. Oh boy the work was so rough, there's just a lot to be done but when they scheme was finally live? THE SATISFACTION IS UNMATCHED! Time passed, rotation after rotation passed and in my last rotation, I was given the chance to go to Viet Nam for the IMT program. And off I go to Vietnam in June 2019. 

Viet Nam was.... amazing! That 6 months was a period of time in my life that I have been missing even until now. I remember the nerve (and joy) while preparing for the assignment. I bought such a large suitcase that is now annoyingly sitting under my bed bcs it was tooo damn big to bring anywhere haha. But yeah, I was going to be away for 6 month at that time so do I have a choice really? Haha. Esquel Malaysia business was woven shirt. But the sister company in Viet Nam produced knit shirt so I have a lot of fun learning new products. And we didn't have any dyeing facility in EGM so there, I also learnt dyeing process. It was just a lot of fun discovering new things, really. Not forgetting learning their working culture because boy, was it different than here in Malaysia? The bit that I like the most is the monthly fruit party hahaha. Summing up my experience there in few paragraphs won't be fun because I really was doing everything that I can in that short 6 months time so probably I would save that in another piece (if they kerajinan come that is). Especially the travelling bits because your homegirl travelled to more than 6 destinations. Lol. Oh how I wish I can go back to visit this year. Hopefully, my plan comes true, amin!

After I came back to Malaysia, I was so damn excited to join in my permanent department. After much contemplating, I have chosen Wrinkle Free mainly because my best work friend who just clicked so well with me was there. There were a lot of improvement project that we discussed and we were just so damn excited to carry them out. In the first 5 months I joined in the department, we managed to complete the FIFO project and was onto another one, well, that is until Covid hit. And came another wave of trials in my life. It was the total lockdown. Since apparel manufacturing wasn't considered as the essential business, our factory was also not allowed to operate so I went back to Ipoh after they announce the lockdown. Takkan aku nak bertapa kat Penang, ye dak? And as usual, when I am back home, I woke up late. One day, after ~1 month of lockdown, I woke up to Esquel Malaysia Closure of Business notice. I was numb. I was crushed. A lot of thought surged in my brain. HOW AM I GOING TO PAY MY COMMITMENTS??? was the biggest shout in my head. I spent a solid 2 days of feeling so lost. I didn't even break the news to my parents. Not until my brother read the news and shared it in my family Whatsapp group. (TMI but my brother used to work in PERKESO so he was extra attentive to this kind of news lol). So I was basically forced to finally 'face' it. Like, telling my parents and everything. I was trying to buy time to calm my own heart but my bro had no tact hahaha. 

And so, that is how another period of unemployment happen. But this time, I already have experienced so it was easier in a way. And alhamdulillah, I didn't have to worry about paying the commitment because there's moratorium and Job Search Allowance (link) (EIS benefit). PSA: Ensure that your employer pay your EIS contribution! After countless applications, after close to 20 interviews, alhamdulillah I managed to get a job.

2021 - 2023

Job Hopping and Family

Oh wait, looking back, I changed job 3 times in these 3 years? OMG. I hope there's no HR reading up on this one. Sept 2020 - Sept 2021 Teleflex, Oct 2021 - August 2022 Plexus and starting Oct 2023, I am in Pentamaster Mediq. Hopping from one company to another made me improved in my adaptation skill. Especially now that I am considered as experienced hire and the expectation on a experienced here is no longer the same as to what's expected from a young graduate hire. I started my career in garment manufacturing and my second one was medical device manufacturer. My third one? I changed industry again, now an electronic CM building PCBA and HLA. My latest one is back to medical device but manufacturing different product than what I was exposed to in my second company. I have never jumped in same business nature, so I have never really deep dive into technicality of the industries but experiencing these over the years have allowed me to open my eyes into different things. Heck, I graduated with Petroleum Geoscience degree, alright. Haha. 

Even though the business nature, product, industry and technicality are different between the industries and the companies, if there's anything that is the same, no matter where you go, it's the communication and connecting skills that will bring you somewhere. And I have not been great at it, especially in creating connections with people. I guess I will always be a work-in-progress in this section because boy oh boy, I find it so hard to be open and be vulnerable. Anyway, honestly, at this point, I have lost desire to climb the ladder. I just wanted to pay off my debt and when I am done with it, watch me quit this line of work and find a job that allow me to not wreck my brain off. I'm thinking either security guard or a hairdresser. I am not even kidding, alright. 

Another main thing in this 3 years, is I have really see the reality of family will always be the one that sticks with you. I spent my teen years and my early 20s with friends. Even if I suck at friendship, I am always around friends instead of my family. I have always heard that one day, you will eventually realize that in the end, family are the one that will be with you. My friends now have their own families, their own priorities. Our friendship has evolve into another kind of friendship. It's not that we are not friends anymore, but we have changed the way we are being friends. If before this, we often gather, the frequency has now understandably reduced because now, we prioritized our family more, even me who is someone who didn't start my own family. I now find spending time with my parents, up a few level of importance than making plan with friends. Are they not important anymore? Nope, I still love my friends but my parents are getting older and older. I also love spending time with my nieces and nephews so there's that. I do hope I'd get to spend time with my home girls every other times more in the next decade tho. Haha. 

Phew, I finally finished reflecting the past 10 years. This wasn't easy too write, especially the part where I have to relive the moment in time when I almost fell into depression, but writing this has also made me realize how far I've come and how I have so much to be grateful for. How beautiful is Allah's plan for each of us? Here's to the next decade of my life, the decade that I am so excited for! 

I am now 30!